Burlesque dangers...Seriously.

It sounds ridiculous, but here's what happens over the years:

1) You feel naked without lashes on.  It seems impossible that your mug is finished without them.

2) You find crystals, sequins and glitter everywhere.  In your bed, in your lint trap, on your pets...everywhere.

3)  Your lips consistently feel like the Sahara.  Longwear lipstick is great for the stage, but not so good on your skin.

4)  There's a real fear of leaving the house without pants on.  You get so comfortable in your nudity that you get phobic that you'll leave the house half dressed.

5)  Your personal space boundaries become minuscule.  Seriously.  The tiny dressing rooms and nakedness makes for a handsy bunch of folks.

6)  Your pink bits are always tender and sore and covered in adhesive residue.  Sometimes you're pulling that stuff off for days.

7)  You shimmy in inappropriate places.  Grocery stores, coffee shops, restaurants...if the music is calling for it, it's hard to stop yourself.

8)  You cannot shop for anything without thinking about turning it into a routine.  Like, ANYTHING.  "Hm...this vase could possibly fit on my head, no?"

9)  Most of your shoes and clothes are miserably uncomfortable.  I'd like to say you acclimate to it, but no.

10)  Your house (and life) becomes held together entirely by E6000.  We should buy stock in it.

11)  You are constantly covered in mystery bruises.  From props, other girls, and God knows what else.

 Although all of these things are legitimate issues we as burleskers face, it's all worth it in the end.  We think.

G

You betta recognize!

I am not famous.  I am, however, recognizable. It's the hair (thank you, Eros Salon!).  If I wore a wig or a hat I could run in traffic naked and no one would have any clue it's me.  But it is ridiculously adorable when I run into people in public who recognize me.  Some whisper.  Some stare. Some cut a VERY wide path. Some come over and geek out.  But some of the greatest reactions stick with me... "I saw you at City Flea and you were wearing jeans just like a normal person!" "I wasn't sure it was you, but then you turned away from me and I saw your butt." Or maybe the best yet from a rather popular male bartender..."I know you!  You do this!" (shimmies shoulders wildly).  1.) Yes...I wear jeans.  And yes, I'm pretty much a normal person.  I just have a very weird job that requires Swarovski and eyelashes. 2.) I get it...I have a giant ass.  It's as recognizable as the hair.  3.) Yup.  I do do that.

I have mixed feelings about being recognized.  It's fine when I'm out to dinner or having a cocktail...I'm usually prepared for it, especially if I'm downtown or in northern Kentucky.  I'm way LESS prepared when one of my fitness clients asks her hairstylist for a cut like mine, and the stylist knows who I am  just based on THAT alone and "outs" me to the client , and then the client begins coming to shows.  And even worse is when I'm out running errands after teaching a cardio class and people want to come over and hug me.  ICK.  Poor peeps...they'll never see me the same way again.  They'll only picture me as sweaty and stinky and scary.

In general I adore meeting Cin City fans.  But I'm lucky I can even remember my own name...let alone someone else's . I hate disappointing people if I don't immediately recognize them or remember the details of how we met.  Hell...I still can't remember half of my employees names.  Half the time I make out their checks to "Blondie McBlonderson" and "Tits McGee"...so cut me some slack.

G

Backstage Bedlam - What REALLY goes on back stage

I know the picture you have in your brain.  We sit daintily in front of a row of mirrors lined with lights, gaily applying our lipstick in feather-trimmed dressing gowns while sipping on champagne. I really hate to burst your bubble. ...but I'm gonna.

Most of our "dressing rooms" are dirty, freezing cold or 900 degrees, tiny and lacking mirrors of any sort. We change in green rooms, bathrooms, offices and storage closets. The floors are sticky. There's nowhere to put costuming down. There's rarely heat or A/C. And we're all right on top of each other. You have to be SUPER organized, tolerant and flexible. A sense of humor helps tremendously.

We usually have to bring our own full-length mirror for costume checks, and hand-held mirrors to touch up makeup. The lighting is always crappy...you come with your hair and makeup DONE.

We usually walk into a gig wearing comfortable shoes (your feet will be miserable the rest of the night), yoga pants (something loose that won't leave marks) and track jackets (something zip-front so you don't ruin your hair or face changing) with nude "safety g-string" underneath (this goes under your costuming and is taped down right before you hit the stage and right AFTER you've peed).

Once we get our costuming laid out in order and pre-load our pasties with tape,  we stretch and walk through choreography. We put props in order with the stagehands. We mic check and sound check. If it's a venue that's new to us we check out the stage. We take Tylenol. We drink water. We eat bananas. We have one (and ONLY one) cocktail.  Then you dress in your first costume and put your robe over it. Double check the set list. Kiss each other and pump each other up. Then it's off we go.

I wish I could paint pretty pictures for you of glitz and glamour,  feathers and flowers, chandeliers and champagne....but there it is.

G

Some things you may not know about me....

1.) I hate crowds.  They make me violently angry.  I don't know why.

2.) I'm actually an introvert.  Don't mix it with shyness...I'm certainly not shy.  But I definitely need alone time to recharge.

3.) I'm blessed with my maternal grandmother's fingernails, my father's legs and feet, and my mother's thick skin.  I'm also cursed with my maternal grandfather's height, my father's nose, and my mother's temper.  I have no earthly idea where my ass came from.

4.) I've had the mole on the side of my face since I was little.  Unless it becomes cancerous, it will be there until I die.  It's kind of a signature.

5.) My hair is naturally curly. 

6.) I'm a mouth-kisser.  Sometimes it freaks people out. I have to remind myself when I meet someone new not to kiss them.

7.) I HATE working out.  That's the only reason I became a group fitness instructor...it forces me to get my ass to the gym.

8.) I've worn glasses since I was in grade school.  I had contacts for about 3 months and hated them.  I only wear them for distance, and can't stand looking at anything up close with them on.  It gives me a raging headache.

9.) I'm missing a vertebrae. It pisses me off.  I figure if I had it (along with the discs on either side) I'd have an extra 2 inches or so of height.

10.) I was stabbed outside of my apartment when I was 21.  I still have scars from it. They never found the guy that did it.

11.) I drove a stick from the time I was 16 up until 4 years ago.  I still reach for the clutch on occasion.

12.) I absolutely ADORE Italian food.  It's just ridiculous.

13.) When I was 6 years old I was in an accident that drove my 4 front teeth back up into my gums.  They came back down over the next month or so.  In the interim I lived on soup and ice cream, so it wasn't so bad.

14.) I hate long hair.  I have absolutely no patience with it.

15.) My mom is under 5 foot tall and 63 years old. She's one of the baddest bitches I know.

16.) I have a younger brother whom I have nothing in common with.  He's a lovely man.  He thinks I'm crazy.  His daughters think I'm the fun eccentric aunt.  I'm ok with that.

17.) I have a really hard time asking for help. I tend to want to do everything on my own. I figure by the time I explain the way I want something done, I could have done it already.

18.) I'm a REALLY good dance teacher.

19.) The vast majority of my wardrobe is menswear and black. I like color and look fine in it. I just tend to ruin anything of color.  I spill something on it, sit in something, etc.  Not worth it.

20.) I have cyclical insomnia.  I've had it since I was a teenager.  I destroyed my back as a gymnast when I was a kid, and could only get relief if I laid over a stack of pillows.  It gave me pain relief, but made it impossible to sleep.  Up until about 6 years ago I spent 90% of my life with significant back pain.

21.) I still have both my appendix and my tonsils.

22.) I generally hate celebrating my birthday.

23.) I frequently tell the people I love how I feel...You never know when it will be the last time you speak with them.

24.) I love blues music and old standards.  I don't really listen to popular radio.

25.) I like my beer, my chocolate and my wine the same way....the darker the better.